The Boy's Journal
by julianne.nicole
Summary: Boys keep journals too. A father's heart breaks when he reads his son's journal. Mentions of self-harm, depression, suicide, and bullying.
1. Chapter 1

**MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE**

 ** _Chapter One_**

 _Dear Dumb Diary,_

 _I can't believe I am writing in this journal again, but here I am, writing in this thing. This is the only place where I can admit to how I truly feel. I would never tell anyone how I feel, not even my Dad. I am afraid that anyone I told would judge me. I don't want to be judged. I just want help. God, I need help. I know I need help. I just don't know how to ask. I have been dealing with this on my own for three years now. I am not sure how to ask and come out with it. It's just three little words, I need help. I need help. I need help. I am not sure how can that be so hard to say… I need help. I need help, Dad, I need help. There that wasn't hard. I can write it down but every time I think about saying it out loud, I become mush. The words just don't form. I begin to sweat, my hands, heck, my whole body begins to shake and eventually, I just have to walk away, I can't bring myself to tell him. But I need to tell him, he needs to know the truth. He deserves to know the truth._

 _It's just so hard to say those words, not just I need help, but also those three other words._

 _I am depressed._

 _Dad, I suffer from depression, I have since I was thirteen-years-old, ever since Mom died._

 _Okay, that's seventeen words, but it still makes my point. I can never seem to actually say those words to my father. Why not? Why can I never say those words to my father? Why is it so hard just to say that? I can figure it out. The words just never want to come out when I talk to my father. It's funny, I tell my father everything and I do mean everything except for this. I just can't find the right way to tell him. I mean I just want to come out with it. I really don't want to keep it a secret anymore…_

 _I don't think I can keep it a secret anymore._

 _I won't lie, because I promised myself I would always write the truth in this journal, I have been feeling… Worthless. Lonely. I have recently felt that there is no purpose for me to be on this earth anymore. I don't see any point, not a single one. I feel worse and worse every single day. I know I have been getting worse with each passing day. I can feel myself sinking every single day. I am not sure how I manage to get through every single day without having a complete breakdown. I should be grateful that I haven't had a breakdown yet. I guess that gives me a little more time to figure out how to tell my Dad. although I have had a few panic attacks recently which probably isn't a good thing, my father hasn't found out about them so I guess that is a good thing._

 _But you know, as I said before, the thought of suicide has been coming up more. I haven't really thought about suicide until about a few weeks ago. I really don't know what happened to get me thinking about suicide, but something happened a few weeks ago, a shift happened and now I have found my mood continuing to go down._

 _I think my father may have noticed or at least he is starting to notice. I mean I haven't exactly been the easiest person in the world for the past couple of weeks, you know ever since the shift happened. I know I have started to spend a lot of time in my room with all my things. I think my father is starting to notice that something is wrong or at least I hope he is. I honestly don't know if he notices or not. Maybe he doesn't notice. God, that got me feeling worse. Maybe I should just end all of my pain right now. Maybe I should just…_

 _Yes, I am thinking about suicide, but I also have another thought…_

 _What would happen to my father if I ended my life? He lost my mom three years ago and that almost broke him. I think it would have completely broken him if it wasn't for me. I guess he stayed strong for me and I stayed strong for him. Thinking about it, we never really talk about my mother's death. We just managed on with our lives without my mother and his wife. Heck, we still haven't talked about it. I don't think we will ever talk about her death. If I took my own life, would my father completely break? I am honestly not sure. Just like myself, he bottles up his emotions too. He never talks about what is going through his head. I guess he is a lot stronger than me if he can go through so many things and so many emotions without talking about it and not going completely crazy. Maybe I should take some lessons from him. I might learn a thing or two. Although, I have to say that I think my father might do just fine without me. After all, he does have his firehouse family, heck he spends more time with them than he does with me. I am sure people will probably say that is not true, but it certainly feels that…_

 _Speaking of my father, I am pretty sure I hear him calling my name right now. I guess I have to go now. Another torturous day at school. Gee, I can't wait. God, you don't know how much I hate that school. I think I may skip school today so I can avoid getting my daily beating from Kyle Graham. Don't know why he always wants to bully me._

 _Until Next Time, Maybe,_

 _Lukas Ryan Casey_


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: Mentions of self-harm, depression, and suicide.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything besides the plot and Lukas.**

* * *

 ** _Chapter Two_**

Matthew Casey never had the intention to read his son's journal. Heck, he didn't even know that he son wrote in a journal. He was just reading, looking through it to see what it was. He found it on the floor of his truck while he had been cleaning said truck after a road trip with Kelly and Lukas. A guy's trip. He thought that his son could use a guy's trip, to get away from everything. He didn't realize how much his son really did need a break from everything. There is no doubt that lately, Matt has noticed a change in his sixteen-year-old son. Lukas used to be a happy, active, adventurous filled teenager. He used to hang out with friends every single day after school. He would help around the firehouse, not sitting down for a second. He used to be so filled with smiles, smiles from cheek to cheek. God, his smiles used to be infectious. He would smile just because his son was smiling. That smile was contagious. Now, though, now Lukas… Matt can't remember the last time he saw his son as happy as he used to be. Lukas isn't as active as he used to be, in fact, Lukas quit basketball, his favorite sport. Matt still hasn't received an explanation for why his son quit his favorite sport. He won't even play basketball at the firehouse, in fact, he refuses to play. Lukas is not as adventurous as he used to be. Before Lukas had always been interested in visiting other places, waiting to go the Grand Crayon, different camping sites, pretty much anything that required some type of physical activity, now though, the recent trip they went on, it took a lot of effort to get Lukas on board for the trip. Lukas barely hangs out with his friends anymore, heck, Matt can't remember the last time Lukas wanted to hang out with his friends. He just spends the majority of his time in his room. He barely comes around the firehouse anymore and when he does, he spends all of his time in Matt's office. And his smile, Matt hasn't seen the smile for a long time.

God, how could he have not noticed that his son is depressed, suicidal even? How could that have gone right over his head?

Matt can feel himself shaking, he can see his hands shaking, the journal, his son's journal shaking along with them. He can feel the tears coming to his eyes. He never thought… He never once thought that he would find himself in this situation. He never once thought that his son would be depressed, that his son would be suicidal. Suicidal. His son is thinking about suicide. His son is thinking about killing himself. His son, Lukas Ryan Casey, is thinking about killing himself. Oh, God, no, no, no. At this point, Matt can't help but let the tears fall from his eyes. His son is thinking about ending his own life. How could it have come to this? He needs to find out. He needs to know everything going on in his son's head. He knows that this isn't going to be easy, but he really needs to know what is happening with his son. He can not delay this, he has to do this now…

Matt closes the doors on his trucks before making his way back into the house. His son's journal tucked under his arm. He wipes his face, wiping away the tears before he actually walks into the house. When he does walk into the house, it's quiet, like has been for a while now. It never used to be quiet. An active, growing teenager, man, this house used to be loud. Now the house sits quietly. Matt doesn't like the sound of no sound. He begins to make his way to his son's room, his pace becoming faster with every single step he takes. Before he knows it, he is standing outside of his son's bedroom. He raises his fist to knock on the door but as soon as he is about to knock, he hears an unusual noise coming from inside his son's room. It takes him a few seconds to recognize the sound coming from inside his son's room.

Sobs. Those are sobs coming from his son's room. Sobs. His son is crying, sobbing.

Matt doesn't even bother to knock. He walks directly into his son's room. His heart instantly breaks. There his son is in the corner, arms wrapped around his legs, his head buried in his knees, and his body racking with sobs. He freezes for a second before making his way over to his son. He tosses the journal onto the bed before pulling his son into his arms. His son instantly reacts…

"No, no, no," Lukas sobs, trying to pull away from his father, trying to get out of his father's arms. "No, no, no. You can't… You can't… You can't see me like this. You can't know. You can't know."

"Hey, shh, shh," Matt says, keeping his son in his arms. "Relax, Lukas, come on, Lukas. Just breathe, son. Come on."

"No, no," Lukas continues to sob, still trying to get out of his father's arms. "No, you have to leave. You have to leave me alone. You can't see me like this. You can't see me crying like this. We're Casey men, we never cry, we always bottle up our emotions. We don't cry."

"No, son," Matt says as he pulls his son closer and placing his head on top of his son's head. "It's okay to cry. Yes, we are Casey men, but that doesn't mean we always have to keep everything inside. It's okay to cry. It's okay to let it out. You don't have to keep it inside, Lukas, just let it all out. Just cry it out, son, just cry it out."

Apparently, that is all Lukas needs to hear because he stops fighting. He falls into his father's arms, crying against his chest. Matt holds his son close, his arms wrapping around his son's small frame. God, he has lost weight. This isn't good. This isn't good at all.

"It's going to be okay, Lukas, it's going to be okay," Matt repeats over and over again, each time placing a kiss on top of his son's head. "I promise you, Lukas, I promise you it's all going to be okay."

It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. It's all going be okay.

Or.

At least he hopes.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I completely forget so here is a new chapter a day late. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Three**

The only thing that can be heard is hard, breaking, shaky breathing coming from Lukas. Matt can feel his son's body still shaking. So far, Matt hasn't let him go, he still has a grip around his son's body and his head is still resting on top of his son's. He isn't exactly sure how long the two of them have been sitting here, on the floor of Lukas' bedroom, but he is sure it has been a while. Maybe, at least an hour or so. He is in no rush, though, he is simply waiting, waiting until his son is ready to tell him what is going on. He is not going to rush his son, no, he doesn't want his son to shut down on him. He wants his son to tell him how he is feeling, how he is really feeling. He wants to help his son and he can't do that if his son shuts down on him, he can't help his son if his son doesn't tell him how he really is feeling. So, he just has to wait. He can wait. He can wait. Matthew Casey can wait if it means he can help his son.

"I'm sorry," Lukas whispers, breaking the silence in the room. "I didn't mean… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Matt questions, his voice soft and almost as quiet as his son's. He doesn't even wait for his son to answer before speaking once again. "Lukas Ryan Casey, you have nothing, absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You need a good cry and that's not anything to be ashamed about. You just needed to let it out. We all need to let it out now and again. Nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want you to feel ashamed because you cried. I never want you to feel that way. You have nothing to be sorry about or ashamed about. Yes, we are Casey men, but that doesn't mean we need to keep everything inside all the time. I don't want you to hold anything, okay, you clearly need to let things out, Lukas… I found your journal. I read your journal."

"Oh," Lukas simply says and begins to shrink away from his father, but his father doesn't let him. "This… This isn't good. Am I in trouble?"

"No, no. God, no, you're not in trouble," Matt says. "I just want to get you help, Lukas, I don't want you feeling the way you feel. You have been feeling depressed for three years, Lukas. Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you a lot sooner. God, I had no idea. Listen, Lukas, do not feel that you can't come to me when you are feeling depressed or suicidal. Please, do not keep anything from me. If you need to talk then come talk to me. Do not feel like you have to keep anything from me, alright?"

"Okay," Lukas whispers, his voice still quiet. "Do you hate me?"

"Why on earth would I hate you?" Matt questions.

"Because you got me for a son," Lukas says. "Because I am not as strong as you are. Because I can't keep my emotions inside of me. Because I broke down and cried like a loser. You don't have to worry, Dad, I know I am a loser. You don't have to worry about me not knowing that I am a loser because trust me, I know. It's my label: a loser. Don't you hate me because I am a loser and I will never be anything more."

"Who the hell told you were a loser?" Matt questions, completely taken aback by what his son just said. "Listen to me, Lukas Ryan Casey, you most certainly aren't not a loser. Do you know who you are? You are my son. My son. And let me tell you, my son is not a loser. He is far from a loser. My son is smart and kind. My son, he has this smile that is infectious, every time I see my son smile, I can't help but smile myself. You know, there was a time when I was trying to find something to live for, my life wasn't easy going up, not by any means, and I was trying to find something that gave my life meaning. I was looking for something, for someone to be proud of me. To love me unconditionally I guess. I was looking for someone. I don't know to protect, to know that every day I went out, I was doing something good. I was honestly about to give up on all of that when something amazing happened. My son, Lukas Ryan Casey, was born and when I look at that little baby for the first time, my entire world changed. I know had a son, I don't think I was ever more proud. I had someone to protect. The day you were born, Lukas, was the best day of my life. You have changed my world in ways you couldn't possibly know. I am very proud of you, Lukas, never forget that. And never ever forget that I am more than proud to be your father. You have been the best son and more than I could have ever asked for. I don't have any room in my heart for hate for you, only love, nothing but love."

"Do you really mean that?" Lukas asks, looking at his father in the face for the first time. "Do you really mean all those things that you said? Because I don't want you saying those things, lying to me just to make me feel better, to try and con me into telling you how I really feel, about my depression, about my suicidal thoughts. Please, don't lie to me."

"I would never lie to you, Lukas," Matt says. "Always remember that. I love you, Lukas. And I don't know what I would do without you in my life. Son, you are my whole world. I don't want to lose my world. I can't lose my whole world. Do you realize how much I would miss you if you weren't here? I would miss you like you wouldn't believe, my heart would be empty. Completely empty. I can't see my life without you."

"Really?" Lukas questions, surprised by what his father has just said. "You would miss me?"

"Of course, I would," Matt says, shocked himself that his son thinks that he wouldn't him if he were gone. "Lukas, you are my son. You are my entire world. If you were to… If you were to kill yourself, I, being completely honest, would probably kill myself too because I, there's no way I could continue my life without you in it. I hate to even think about it. The highlight of all my days is seeing you, is talking to you. I don't want that to end. I don't want our father, son trips to end. I don't want our road trips to end. I don't want your life to end, Lukas."

"I don't either," Lukas admits. "I don't want my life to end either."

"Then say those seventeen words, Lukas," Matt says.

"Dad, I suffer from depression," Lukas admits, his breathing becoming lighter with every word. "I have since I was thirteen-years-old, ever since Mom died."


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: Chapter 4! And on time. Enjoy! Follow, Favorite, and review!**_

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Chapter Four

Matthew Casey doesn't want to move. He can't move. Not because he can't physically move because he but because he doesn't to move, he really, really doesn't want to move. All he wants to do right now is sit here on his son's bedroom floor and continue to hold his sixteen-year-old son. They have already been sitting here for hours and if he has to do, Matt will continue to sit here for hours. His son, Lukas fell asleep about an hour ago, most likely because he was exhausted from all of the crying he did. Matt doesn't blame him, for falling asleep, for the crying, none of it. The poor kid practically cried himself to sleep. Matt can't help but wonder how many times he has done that in the past three years.

God, three years.

His son has been depressed for three years. For three years and he hasn't told a single soul. He is not sure how his son has managed to keep all of this inside of him. Thank god, Matt found his son's journal when he did because he honestly doesn't know how much longer Lukas could have kept it all inside. If he hadn't had found his son's journal then maybe Lukas would have actually done it. Lukas might have actually killed himself. Matt shakes at that thought. He looks down at his son and still sees he is asleep. He can't help but let out a quiet, shaky breath. The last thing he wants to do is wake his son up. Matt can help but tighten his grip on his son. He doesn't even want to think about his son thinking about killing himself. The thought of it makes him want to cry. But the thing is, he can't just bury this and expect it to go away because it is not going to go away.

His son is suffering from depression. His son is suicidal.

He honestly doesn't know what to do. He honestly never thought he would be in this position. He honestly never thought his son would suffer from depression or be suicidal. He honestly never thought… All of the things he honestly never thought, those are completely gone. He honestly never thought. He honestly never thought. Everything he thought his life, his son's life might be is now out the window. He thought he knew how to handle everything, but turns out he didn't, he doesn't because he honestly has no idea how to handle this. He does know that he is going to need some help. He isn't going to be able to do this on his own. He can't do it on his own.

He is reluctant to leave his son alone, but he needs to make some calls. He is going to need some help. He is going to need some time off. He doesn't exactly know how much time off he needs, as long as it is going to take. He is going to have to do so many things.

He looks down at his son, reluctant to wake him. Matt thinks for a few minutes, a few seconds before he makes his decision. He puts his arm securely around his son's back and puts his other arm under his son's knees before he lifts son up and stands as well. He doesn't waste any time before placing his son onto his bed. He takes his son's shoes off and gently places his head on his pillow. He pulls the blankets back and assists Lukas in climbing under the blankets. Matt makes sure that the blankets are pulled up to Lukas' chin before leaving the bedroom.

Matt stops for a moment. He makes his way to his bedroom. He kneels down near his bed and pulls a bin out from under his bed. He doesn't waste any time opening it and pulling out a baby monitor. He holds the two baby monitors in his hand before closing the bin and shoving it back under his bed before making his way back to Lukas bedroom. He makes sure the monitor is on before leaving it on Lukas' desk. He then makes his way out of the bedroom, closing the door a little more than halfway, before making his way to the kitchen. The other monitor in his hand. He places the monitor on the kitchen counter before grabbing his cell phone and calling one person.

"Matt?" Kelly questions, his voice full of sleep. "Hey, did I leave something in your truck?"

"Kelly," Matt says, his voice breaking.

"Matt?" Kelly questions once again, this time though he is fully awake. "What's wrong?"

"I, uh, need you to, uh, come over," Matt says, the tears freefalling down his face. "I need your help."

"Matt, what is going on?" Kelly questions, waking even more with every word he says."Is it Lukas?"

"Yeah," Matt cries. "It's Lukas."

"I'm on my way," Kelly says, his pace quickening. "Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?"

"I don't know," Matt confesses, wiping his face, wiping away the tears. "I, uh, need you to do me a favor."

"Anything," Kelly says.

"Stop at Bobo's Diner," Matt says.

"Bobo's Diner?" Kelly questions. "But you hate Bobo's Diner."

"I know, but Lukas doesn't," Matt says, a small, sad smile on his face at the mention of his son's favorite diner. "He loves that place. He lives on that stuff. Get him a double bacon cheeseburger, curly fries, and big ol' chocolate shake with whipped cream and extra cherries."

"You got it," Kelly says. "I will get that and be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Kelly, don't break any laws getting here," Matt says.

"Are you kidding me? Matt, my brother calls me, he breaks down in tears, something he doesn't do often, and then he tells me that I need to get to his place as soon as possible because it has something to with my godson. My mind went and is still going in a different million directions. You beat your ass that I am going to break the law, the speed limit getting to you two. Matt, you and Lukas are my family, and when my family needs my help, I am going to help. I will be there soon, buddy, okay? Just hang on. I know I already asked this, but I am going to ask again, do you need me to stay on the phone with you?"

"I don't know," Matt pauses, letting out a deep, shaky breath. Once again, taking a moment to wipe the tears away from his cheeks. "I think so, yeah, unless you don't want…"

"Hey, I asked didn't I? If we need to stay on the phone until I get there then we are going to stay on the phone until I get there. Do you, uh, want to tell me what is going on with Lukas? Or do you want to wait until I get there?"

"I found his journal," Lukas says. "I didn't even know he kept a journal. I was looking through the journal to see what it was, you know, and I started to read a journal entry and oh God, Kelly, I had no idea. Turns out the journal belongs to Lukas, he writes everything down and I mean everything. Kelly, he has been depressed for the past three years, ever since Hadley's death, and he's suicidal too. He has written about killing himself and wondering what would happen if he killed himself. I went to talk to him about the journal and about what he wrote and I found him sobbing in a corner in his room. He didn't want to cry in front of me, he said Casey men don't cry. God, that broke my heart. I told him it was okay to cry. We just sat for hours as he cried, he fell asleep about an hour ago. I thought I would take the time to call you because I know I can't do this alone. I don't know how to do this. I am going to need all the help I can get."

"You got my help, Matt," Kelly says, his voice quiet as everything is processing. "I am there for as long as you and Lukas need me. I promise you, Matt, together the two of us will do everything in our power to help Lukas. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

**_AN: Chapter 5! And again, on time! This chapter, as well as the next chapter, are both flashback chapters! Enjoy! Follow, Favorite, and review!_**

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Chapter Five

 _It's like a scene out of a movie._

 _Pouring rain._

 _Black Umbrellas._

 _Everyone dressed in black._

 _A funeral._

 _It's like a scene out of a movie._

 _Thirteen-year-old Lukas Ryan Casey stands close to his father, stands into his father's side, very close. He can feel his father's arm wrapped around his shoulders. Lukas' face is buried into his father's side. He can feel himself shaking, shaking uncontrollably._

 _Why wouldn't he be shaking like this?_

 _His mother is dead. His mother is dead. His mother is dead._

 _His. Mother. Is. Dead._

 _He starts to shake even more. No, she can't be dead. His mother can't be dead. No, it's not true. This can't be true. All of this has to be some sort of sick dream, a sick nightmare. His mother can't be dead._

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

 _He can't stand here any longer. He wants to run away. He needs to run away. He can't be here any longer. He can't watch as they lower his mother's body into the ground. He can feel the tears forming in his eyes. He can't cry. He can't cry. He can not cry. He feels his father's arm tighten around his shoulders, keeping him firmly in place. He wants to run away. He needs to run away. He can't run away. His father is keeping him in place, forcing him to stay, forcing him to watch as his mother's coffin, his mother's body is lowered to the ground._

 _This can't be happening. This shouldn't be happening._

 _His mother should still be alive. His mother shouldn't be dead. His mother should be alive. His mother shouldn't be dead. His mother should be alive. His mother should be alive. His mother should be alive. HIS. MOTHER. SHOULD. BE. ALIVE._

 _ALIVE!_

 _The cast on his arm and the stitches on his forehead forever remind him these days of what took his mother's life. He had been with her when she took her final breath. The injuries were too much. As his father later, previously explained to him, in a way a father tries to do when telling his thirteen-year-old son about his mother's death when said thirteen-year-old son asks if there was any chance his mother could have survived. Her injuries were just too much. Her injuries were just too much, Lukas, there wasn't anything anyone could have done. He doesn't remember much after his father had said those words. Apparently, he had fainted. Guess it was a good thing he had still been in the hospital at the time. It had been a car accident. A young woman in her twenties who had been drinking and doing drugs for the past six hours had run a red light, crashing into their car. He had been sitting on the right side of the back seat, escaping with a deep cut on his forehead that required fifteen stitches, and a broken arm. His mother, of course, had been in the driver's seat on the left-hand side and that's where the young woman had struck, killing his mother almost instantly._

 _He doesn't remember much of the accident, well, he doesn't remember much after the accident. Barely anything. He slightly remembers being in his father's arms, sort of like now, except he apparently had been sitting in his father's lap, a hysterical mess. The only way, from what his father had told him, to get him to calm down was to sit in his father's lap. Lukas is sure that father would not have been anywhere else at the time. His mother had been pronounced dead at the scene. The young woman, Lukas still doesn't know her name, had been arrested at the scene, charged with a DUI, driving under the influence, a DUID, driving under the influence of drugs, and vehicular homicide. Lukas is still unsure if he will have to testify or not._

 _It's his fault. It's all his fault. His mother is dead because of him. His mother is dead because of him. All because he wanted to go to see his father at work after school. He had begged his mother to take him to see his father that Friday afternoon. He and his mother were supposed to go to the library like they did every Friday after school. But that Friday had been different, he hadn't seen his father in a few days and he really wanted to see his father and tell him about the good grade he had gotten on a project the two of them had been working on. Lukas was so proud to have gotten an A+ on the project he and his father had worked so hard on together. He begged his mother to go to the firehouse and after much begging, his mother had relented._

 _Lukas wishes she hadn't._

 _If she hadn't then she would still be alive._

 _If she hadn't finally relented and had said yes then he and his father and the entire firehouse wouldn't be standing here today, watching with sadness as Hadley Casey is lowered into the ground forever._

 _It's like a scene out of a movie._

 _The rain._

 _The umbrellas._

 _Everyone dressed in black._

 _Everyone mourning the loss of Hadley Casey._

 _Slowly everyone begins to leave._

 _Soon the only two left are a father and son, close together under a black umbrella. Both just have lost someone they love very much, someone they don't know how they are going to survive without._

* * *

 _People have been in and out of the house all afternoon, coming and going for hours on top of hours. All of it has been a blur. He has heard the same words over and over again, so sorry for your loss. Since the moment they had arrived home, Matt has been keeping a close eye on his son. This, of course, is not normal and Matt isn't entirely sure how his son is taking all of this. He has been pretty quiet all day. He has been pretty quiet since the accident. He knows why of course, but that doesn't make him any less concerned for his child, his son. For the past few days, he has really been considering sending his son to see a therapist. He has been thinking about both of them seeing a therapist. They are both probably going to have to talk to someone, Lukas more than him. He can't even begin to imagine what has been going through his son's head this past week and a half. God, having been with his mother when she died. Matt can't even begin to imagine how witnessing his mother's death is going to affect his child, his son. He knows the effect is not going to be good, probably not anywhere near good. Of course, it won't be good, a thirteen-year-old witnessing his mother's death, watching as his mother took his last breath. It is going to be a lot of therapy. It doesn't matter, though, as long as Lukas talks to somebody, as long as Lukas talks._

 _Lukas._

 _Matt can't help but notice that his son has disappeared. He makes a quick scan of the room, of all the rooms downstairs. Lukas isn't in any of the rooms downstairs. He begins to make his way upstairs, first checking the game room and not finding Lukas there, Matt moves on to the next room, Lukas' bedroom, Matt is surprised to not find his son is his own room. He moves onto to the bathroom and doesn't find his son there either. He then moves on to the last room, the master bedroom. He is honestly hoping that his son is in the master bedroom because if Lukas isn't in the master bedroom that means Lukas isn't in the house. He doesn't know what he would do if his son isn't in the house. If his son isn't in the house, that means his son could be anywhere. Anywhere! And just that thought is sending him into a panic._

 _He opens the master bedroom door and let's a shaky, breaking breath out of his mouth. There, asleep on his mother's side of the bed is Lukas. Thank God. Matt doesn't hesitate to close the bedroom door all the way and make his way to his side of the bed, laying down next to his son. He can see his son clutching the stuffed bunny rabbit his mother had given him for his fifth birthday. Matt wasn't even aware Lukas still had that. He hasn't seen it for a while. Bear the bunny rabbit. Matt remembers when he and Hadley had been shopping for birthday presents for Lukas's fifth birthday. Hadley had spotted it and had instantly known that they needed to buy it. To Matt's surprise, Lukas loved the bunny rabbit. Of course, he thought it was bear at first, hence why the bunny rabbit is named Bear. It was a special gift from a mother to her son. And now the son who has lost his mother is clutching the special gift._

 _Matt gently lays his hand on his son's head, gently rubbing his fingers through his son's hair, being careful not to touch the stitches on his son's forehead. Matt knows that his son needs this sleep. There is no doubt that ever since his mother's death, Lukas has not been sleeping well. Not at all. Matt hasn't been sleeping well either. He can't sleep well when his son isn't sleeping well and he can't sleep well without his wife next to his side._

 _That's how Kelly finds the two of them when he comes to check on them after everyone has left and it is just him and Brett left. Father and son sleeping. Lukas in Matt's arms, his head resting against his father's chest. Matt's head resting gently on top of his son's head._

 _Kelly gently closes the door, leaving the father and son to sleep. He knows they both need it._


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Posting a day early because I won't be able to post tomorrow and I don't know when I will be able to post again. On Thursday, 01-17-19, I was rushed to the hospital for mental health reasons and now I will be attending therapy five days a week. With that said, I don't know when I will be able to post again. I want you guys to understand that I AM NOT ABANDONING THIS STORY. I just won't be able to upload. As soon as I am able to upload on a regular basis again, I will. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for reading. Don't forget to follow, favorite, and review.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything, only the plot & the characters I make up. **

* * *

Chapter Six

 _His first day at his new job._

 _His first day at his second job._

 _To put it in the simplist terms, his first job, his only job before he got this one, was just not covering it. He found himself very stretched for money each week. The only food he has been able to eat, that he has been able to afford as been bread, peanut butter, and ramen noddles, and bottles of water, a very bland diet. He just couldn't do it anymore. His bills were eating up all of the money he earned. Even though he did his best to make sure to cut his bills, most of his money still went to the bills. He knew he had to get a second job, a second paycheck coming in. With a second paycheck coming in while still working on cutting his bills down, he should be able to have some extra money that he could put towards buying more food, different food. He might have enough extra money to start an emergency fund, something he has been wanting to do ever since he went out on his own. His wants to make sure that in the future, if he ever has a family, if something were to happen, he would have the money to take care of what it was he would have to take care of or if something were to happen to him, he wants to make sure his family would have some money to get through some rough times. He just wants to be prepared. He wants to have money so he isn't struggling anymore as well as have some extra money to put away._

 _Thanks to his new, second job, he now works in a mailroom of a fairly large office building. Working in a mailroom wasn't exactly his first choice, but for some strange reason this job was higher pay than all the rest of the jobs he looked at and he needed a job that paid well._

 _Matt walks out of the elevator and into the basement, the mailroom is in the basement. He wasn't exactly sure how to dress for the job The person, the young woman, who had called him to inform him that he had landed the job, simply told him to wear work casual. He didn't exactly have work casual clothes so he had to spend what little money he had left to get some work casual clothes. He hopes the clothes he picked are work casual clothes because if they aren't then he doesn't know what he is going to, he doesn't exactly have the extra money to go out and buy whatever it is that would be considered work casual clothes._

 _After walking to the end of the hallway, he finds the mailroom. There is only one other person in the mailroom, a woman about his age with ginger-colored hair._

" _Excuse me," Matt says._

 _The young woman looks. God, she is beautiful. Matt can't help but smile when he sees her smile. God, that smile just makes him want to smile. He hasn't felt like that in a long time._

" _You must be Matt, I'm Hadley," The young woman, Hadley, says as she makes her way over to Matt, who is still standing in the doorway. "I am the one who called you on the phone."_

" _Oh, right, I recognize your voice," Matt says._

" _You seem nervous, don't be nervous," Hadley says. "This job, it's really simple. You will get the hang of this in no time. Okay, dude, this job will be a breeze."_

" _I hope so, my other job is pretty tough, tends to take a lot out of me, but don't worry I plan on giving this job my all," Matt pauses, licking his dry lips. "I really need this job. This job, honestly, could have not come at a better time. If this job hadn't come, I probably would have been couch surfing in about two weeks."_

" _Trouble paying rent, huh?" Hadley questions._

" _Yeah, not only that, kind of having trouble paying my bills and buying food," Matt answers, surprised with himself that he is telling Hadley, a woman he has just met, all of this, all of his troubles, but he finds himself unable to stop. "Money has been tight, really tight which is why I am here, working this second job. And I am no longer close with my family."_

" _I know how it is, Matt, believe me," Hadley says, letting out a sigh and making her way back to the big desk in the middle of the room with Matt following behind her. "I went out on my own at fifteen. My family life fell apart when I was fifteen. You probably can't relate to this, but my mother shot my father and well, as you can imagine, she went to prison. My older brother skipped town, leaving me, at fifteen-years-old, to raise my little brother. We got put in the foster system. At eighteen, I got out and I have been working ever since to get custody of my brother. This is my second job too, I am a waitress at the Roadhouse diner, part-time minimum pay, along with tips, wasn't really helping so I got this job about four months ago. Believe me, it has been a help, but still some weeks are better than others."_

" _I can relate, I can definitely relate," Matt says, his voice suddenly dry. "My mother shot my father about two years ago, it has been absolute hell. My sister, she took off to God knows where. I have had to sit through police interrogations, court, everything. And I have had to worry about my bills and where to live. I work part-time at a hardware store, but that, not surprisingly, doesn't pay enough so here, I am working here with someone who apparently knows exactly what I am going through."_

" _Wow," Hadley says. "It's like the universe put us together. Strange and unbelievable."_

" _I'll say, I never thought I would meet someone who would know what is it like to know what I went through," Matt says. "Don't take this the wrong way, but it kind of feels nice. Now I can actually talk to someone about it without having to explain all the feelings and what exactly happened, you know. I mean unless you don't want to talk about it. It's always an option to you know talk about it. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I would completely understand. I mean I don't typically want to talk about what happened. Although, I haven't really had the option to talk about it with anyone. Maybe it would be good to talk about with somebody. Oh, God, I don't normally talk this much. Please stop before I begin to make a bigger fool of myself."_

 _Hadley plants a kiss onto Matt's lips effectively stopping him from talking._

" _Did that work?" Hadley questions, pulling away from Matt's lips. "I hope you're single. I just couldn't help myself. You are very kissable."_

" _Yeah, that worked," Matt answers, finding his voice. "And yes, I'm single. Most women aren't exactly looking for a guy like me to date these days."_

" _I'd date you," Hadley says._

" _Really?" Matt questions._

" _Are you busy tonight?" Hadley questions._

" _Nope," Matt answers. "Do you, uh, want to go out tonight?"_

" _Sure," Hadley smiles._

* * *

Matthew Casey looks at the first photo he and Hadley had taken together. Shortly after their first date. He had fallen for the ginger-haired woman and he had fallen fast. He never knew how getting that second job would change his life so much.

He met the love of his life. They had a child together.

Then she died.

Her death had been unexpected, completely unexpected. He knew the death of Hadley would affect their son. He knew her death would affect Lukas. He never knew that Hadley's death would affect Lukas this much.

God, he couldn't even imagine.

He leans against his son's doorframe, watching as his sixteen-year-old son sleeps. Matt can't help but notice his son is clutching Bear the rabbit. Matt has honestly no idea where Lukas keeps Bear, but the stuffed animal has been appearing more and more these days. Matt knows Lukas has some hiding place in his room. He knows that it where he has been hiding Bear.

Hiding places.

Matt knows that Lukas has hiding place within his room. Who knows what Lukas could possibly be hiding in those hiding places. Matt is going to have to a strip down of his son's room, checking every single area of this room. He hopes that when the time comes, Lukas will be honest with him and just tell him all the hiding places. Matt knows, though, a sixteen-year-old boy. Rebelling age. Matt knows Lukas isn't exactly the rebelling type of sixteen-year-old. Heck, Matt doesn't even really know what type of sixteen-year-old his sixteen-year-old is. Matt thought he knew his son, but turns out he doesn't know his son at all. He can't be sure whether or not Lukas will tell him about all of his hiding places.

God, he doesn't even know what to do. He is so lost. He never even thought that one day he would be having to deal with this.

But he is.

He is going to have to deal with this. This isn't just something he can bury away and hope that it goes away with time. He doesn't want to bury it away. His son has already been suffering in silence for the past three years. God, he can't even bare the thought of his son suffering. He doesn't want his son suffering anymore. He wants his son to get better. He wants his son to be better. He wants his son to be the happy teen he once was.

Matt is brought out of his deep thoughts by his son beginning to toss and turn on his bed. Matt can see his son's face. Lukas looks like he is in pain, he looks like he is crying or at least about to cry. Matt's heart stops beating for a brief second. He doesn't see this look on his son's face a lot, barely. There has been only one other time when Matt has seen this look on his son's face.

Three years ago…

When he had told his son about the death of his mother.


End file.
